9Feb/1012:15 PM

The Sports Retorter: How weddings are like free agent signings, and other “super” thoughts

By Greg Esposito

Usually this space is reserved for a completely Phoenix-centric column. Today, I’m going to make an exception.

I was going to use this slice of the internet for a “Sports Retorter Mailbag”, a la Bill Simmons and other online writers, but I realized no reader has ever actually emailed me (unless you count that guy peddling Viagra or that Nigerian Lottery I keep winning).

With the “mailbag” idea going over as well as any idea Jeff Zucker and NBC brass has had, I figured why not give a few random observations I had from the weekend a shot.

Unlike most weekends, my Saturday and Sunday weren’t spent immersed in Phoenix sports. Rather, it was spent in what can only be described as a hodge podge of “honey dos”, errands, social gatherings, football and commercials. It was about as random and disjointed as a Dennis Miller joke.

Even though I spent my weekend away from the thing I am paid to observe –I know, I’m just as shocked as you that I’m paid for this– I couldn’t help but see things in my everyday life that deserved commentary.

My entire Saturday was spent at the wedding of a few of my wife’s friends. I’m not much for weddings. I barely staved off my ADHD long enough to make it through my own, let alone someone else’s. With that said, I put on a brave face for Mrs. Sports Retorter and went to the wedding (actually enjoyed myself too, but don’t let her know that).

Now, this wasn’t a typical 2:30 PM wedding. No, this was a noon wedding (I’m a firm believer in the fact nothing outside of a “duel”, nothing should take place at high noon in the desert on a Saturday). As I sat through the ceremony and the subsequent celebration, I found myself thinking about how much the ritual of the wedding translated to the world of sports.

The wedding ceremony and reception really is the sports equivalent of the signing or trading for a player.

Think about it, the ceremony is like the negotiation period. Both sides are asked numerous questions by an officiant to make sure they are prepared to enter into a legally binding agreement. Both sides write “vows”, or use ones pre-written ones, that state what both parties will bring to the relationship. When every question is answered and things are agreed upon, both parties have to sign a legal document to make it official.

Sounds pretty much identical. The only thing that differs is the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part, although unrestricted free agency sort of covers that (too bad fans don’t get a “speak now” moment before a deal is finalized. I know a few deals I would have interrupted more vehemently than Benjamin Braddock in the Graduate).

Once the “legal proceedings” have commenced, the introductory “celebration” begins.

The introductory press conference is the wedding equivalent of the reception. A large group of people gather in a cavernous room, sit in uncomfortable chairs and face a table at the front of the room that includes all the major “players”.

Once the “guests” are seated, everyone is introduced, a few speeches are given and the new “couple” talks to everyone. The pomp and circumstance continues for a while and sometimes refreshments are served.

>The funny thing is, in both weddings and introductory press conferences, those in attendance are usually excited and hopeful for something that has a less than a 50% chance of working out for both sides. I know, it’s not a real optimistic outlook, but I’m someone who has sat through the introductions of Adam Dunn, Emmitt Smith, Tom Gugliotta, Troy Glaus, Richie Sexson, Shaquille O’Neal and a few divorced couples in Phoenix, so I’m entitled to it.

The only thing a married couple has on a professional sports franchise is that they only have to give up half if they get divorced, most teams have to pay in full. (Unless you’re in the NFL. Those teams have the collective bargaining agreement equivalent of the world’s greatest prenup.)

With Saturday in the books and the wedding behind me, I spent Sunday the same way 109 million of my fellow Americans did. Watching fourteen hours of Super Bowl pregame shows (which means they were on for almost as long as Ryan Seacrest is on a typical day).

I could sit here and give you an entire recap of the game but there isn’t much point in doing that seeing as the game was days ago. What I will do is give you the highlights…from my mind.

Coin Toss: Did someone forget to tell Cardinals’ assistant coach Russ Grimm he was going to be on national television?

Halftime: Rumor has it that the FCC almost stopped the halftime show because Pete Townshend isn’t legally allowed to talk about anything involving teenagers.

The Onside Kick: Next year, along with the Walter Payton award for the league’s best humanitarian, the NFL will give out the Sean Payton award for the league’s biggest balls. (Greg Oden luckily is not eligible.)

Commercials: I had a major problem with the Tim Tebow commercial. It didn’t have anything to do with the message the spot had or any political background. My issue was the fact that whoever designed the ad has no clue what Tim Tebow does on a football field.

He’s a quarterback, he doesn’t hit anyone. Yet somehow he was the second coming of Terry Tate, Office Linebacker.

The other commercial that struck a chord with me was Charles Barkley hawking Taco Bell (You can watch it here, I refuse to embed it. It’s that bad.). It’s not hard to believe that my childhood idol, who was once an athletic specimen and is now pushing 350 pounds, eats Taco Bell. What was mind-boggling was everything else about the commercial.

I’ve been a Charles Barkley supporter since his days in a Suns uniform. I’ve defended him and stuck by him through arrests, DUIs, gambling problems and a ridiculous golf swing. This ad pushed me to the limit.

Barkley as a poet? Yeah, I believe that about as much as a woman losing 60 pounds on an all Taco Bell diet without dying. (Also, if you are trying to claim Taco Bell is healthy in one ad campaign, should your really have one of the most out of shape former professional athlete’s as your spokes person?)

One of the commercials that made me chuckle at first but got old after awhile was the Denny’s free grand slam breakfast ones. The tagline “tough day to be a chicken”, in reference to all the eggs that will be given away for free, was funny, unfortunately truth in advertising laws have since required Denny’s to change it to “tough day to be a digestive system”. (Anyone who’s ever eaten a Grand Slam knows that even though it may be free, you’ll pay the price later.)

The Saints’ victory: I know I should be happy for the city of New Orleans and the team’s fans and for the most part I am. It was just tough seeing the “Aints” fan base celebrate. Just a short time ago they were the paper bag wearing brethren of Arizona Cardinal fans. Now they’re champions after a great Super Bowl, while the fans in Arizona only have the warming memories of Santonio Holmes and the toe that never touched. At least Peyton Manning didn’t win, it’s nice to know he still chokes in the big game.

So there you have it, my weekend in a nutshell and the random observations that came along with it.

If you’d like to avoid having to hear about my weekend ever again feel free to email me at greg.esposito@fanster.com. That way we can have that mailbag I originally wanted.

Don’t think weddings and sports correlate? Have a better example? Have any random observations from the Sunday’s game? Let us know in the comment section below.