The Sports Retorter: Emergency Instructions For Safely Jumping Off Arizona Cardinals Bandwagon

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News broke today that Kurt Warner has scheduled a press conference at the Arizona Cardinals’ training facility on Friday. Speculation around the internets is that Warner will be announcing his retirement.

Like most, my first thought was one of retrospection. I thought of the great ride Warner treated Cards’ fans to. The transformation the team made with him under center and what could have been if not for Ben Roethlisberger and Santonio Holmes.

After my walk down memory lane, I turned my attention to LAK, life after Kurt.

I was met with the thought of Matt Leinart and the realization that, with Warner’s departure, the Cardinals’ bandwagon is about to get significantly lighter.

The Cardinals fan base swelled with number 13 at quarterback and it will come as no surprise if those fans begin to disappear with him gone.

While I don’t condone fair weather fans here in Arizona, I do care about their safety. With that in mind, I’ve developed the Sports Retorter’s “Arizona Cardinals Bandwagon Emergency Exit Instruction Guide”.

This simple card will be placed in the back of every seat at University of Phoenix Stadium where bandwagon fans can easily access it at the first sign of a Leinart interception or a losing season.

Step One

When realizing you aren’t a true Cardinal fan who is prepared to root for them in the tough times, get up from your seat, leave your row and locate the nearest University of Phoenix Stadium exit.

Remember, safety first. Walk, don’t run, to one of the marked and illuminated exits.

Step Two

Once youd’ve located said exit, open it as forcefully and as quickly as possible. This will prevent any of the possible “stink” of a losing season from sticking to you.

Step Three

Once the exit door has fully opened, inflate the emergency slide each exit at the stadium is equipped with.

Step Four

When the slide is fully inflated, jump out exit as quickly as possible. As you do so, remember what the great Kurt Warner taught you every time he scrambled, slide feet first as to avoid being hit.

Step Five

Once you reach the bottom of the emergency exit slide, proceed quickly to your car, discarding your Cardinals shirt and hat in one of the conveniently located stadium parking lot trash receptacles. When you reach your car, leave Glendale as soon as possible.

Step Six

On your way home, stop at the nearest sporting goods store and purchase a Tony Romo Cowboys’ jersey. At home, put on jersey, make sign proclaiming your undying love for Dallas and wait for the team’s game against the Cardinals during the 2010 season.

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Tags: Arizona Cardinals, bandwagon fans, Dallas Cowboys, Kurt Warner, Retirement

January 27th, 2010 5:32 PM PST