10Dec/098:53 PM

Brownie Points: A letter to the Commisiowner

By Jerry Brown

Gary Bettman
NHL Commissioner/
Phoenix Coyotes Owner
New York, NY

Dear Gary:

Congratulations on your recent purchase of the Phoenix Coyotes. I’m sure it’s one more thing you didn’t need, what with being the commish, hosting your own satellite radio show and torturing even Canadian hockey fans for decades, but there are several hundred hockey fans out here in the desert who really appreciate your tireless, although head-scratching, efforts.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed or caught a game on TV (I’m guessing you have a dish at home), but the Coyotes are doing fairly well. They took a five-game winning streak into Los Angeles Thursday and they were seven games over .500 and right in the thick of the playoff hunt in a very tough Western Conference.

I mention this because, well, they’re doing it without much of an offense. Shane Doan isn’t scoring, Peter Mueller has been kidnapped and replaced with a drone who couldn’t find the net with a four-colored map. And Radim Vrbata scores about once every 100 shots (which works out to about once a week).

Here’s where you come in Gary. For years, you’ve been ridiculed for not understanding hockey, for being a lawyer who doesn’t know a crossbar from a Bar Association. People make fun of your height, your resemblance to a certain Sesame Street character (even you have to admit it’s pretty uncanny) and the way to shudder and shrug during your snarky, hissing answers during press conferences.

But here is your chance, big guy. What better way to prove to all those Canucks and everyone who has ever booed you at every arena in the league than to put your name on the Stanley Cup? Gary, you could be the first commissioner ever to win it all!

Pete Rozelle never took home the Vince Lombardi Trophy. David Stern doesn’t have a ring. Bud Selig ran the Brewers for years and he got to the World Series once. No cigar.

It’s all there for you, Gary. Go for it.

The Coyotes are going to cost the league $30 million anyway. Why not dig a little deeper and come up with one playmaking center and one sniper on the wing to give Ilya Bryzgalov a fighting chance during the playoff run? Get Don Maloney on the phone and give him the green light. If he can find decent defensemen and two-way forwards with a K-Mart budget, imagine who he could bring in with a gold card!

The minors are stocked with high draft picks. The shortcomings are a plain as the nose on your face (oops, sorry Gary, no personal shot intended). And the time is now.

Think about it. June. The Stanley Cup Finals in Glendale. The Coyotes win it all. You come out on the red carpet, pick up the Stanley Cup and … after what I would figure to be quite a struggle … you hoist it over your own head before handing it off to Captain Doan.

The time is now Gary. You only get one shot at this. Show ‘em who’s boss.

Your pal,
Jerry

Prediction Time

And then, depression set in. Man, I was crying more than Tim Tebow last weekend.

Arizona plays fast and loose, beats USC and goes all the way to the Holiday Bowl – with the only silver lining being that Mike Stoops will probably parlay another extension out of it.

Alabama roughs up Florida and clears the path for the first Crimson Tide national title since Gene Stallings and Corky Simpson led the way in 1993. If Cincinnati doesn’t pull out a miracle over Pittsburgh, we’re talking about the first losing week of the season. I mean, we’re talking Charlie Weiss territory.

Things didn’t get any better on Sunday. The Vikings forced a turnover and scored a touchdown in the first five minutes and then played dead the rest of the night – although the Cardinals had a lot to do with that. Speaking of the dead, the Giants came back from it and beat the Cowboys to keep their playoff hopes afloat.

OK, OK, I’m stalling. The final numbers were a season-worse 4-4 week which makes the overall record 63-29 for the year and sinks us under 70 percent (.684) for the first time since the 100-degree days of September.

It’s time for a rebound. It’s time to sack up. It’s time to lean on the NFL, cross my fingers and head for the dartboard:

Washington 17, Oakland 10: Last week, the Raiders beat the Steelers and the Redskins should have beaten the unbeaten Saints. This week, they both sink to the level of competition and slug it out in an ugly game.
Minnesota 28, Cincinnati 17: The Bengals are a very good team. They are going to win their division. And they are going to be abused by the Vikings. Now, what does that say about Arizona?
Colts 31, Broncos 17: I think Indy is going to win out. And even though the Broncos have bounced back from that nasty mid-season losing streak, going into the dome and beating Peyton Manning is a tall order.
San Diego 31, Dallas 20: The Chargers are the chic sleeper pick among the well-heeled media, but I’m not sure they’re that good. They are, however, good enough to beat the Cowboys, who have to be kicking themselves for losing in the Meadowlands.
Eagles 24, Giants 16: The Giants need this one, but the Eagles are the better team. Give Andy Reid credit, he knows how to get his teams to play their best football at the right time. Even if Brian Westbrook sits, I like the birds.
Cardinals 27, 49ers 17: The Cardinals have a chance to wrap up a division title on national TV and show everyone in the country that beating up on the Vikings was no fluke. San Francisco is going in the wrong direction and their identity as a team is being questioned. We all wondered if Mike Singletary was pushing his team too hard, too soon. We have our answer.