9Nov/095:43 PM

The Sports Retorter: A sports psychologist could make a killing in Phoenix

By Greg Esposito

(Setting: Cardinals mascot, Big Red, lays on a couch in a well-lit doctor’s office as a bearded man in a sweater sits in a chair near the couch)

Doctor: So why exactly are you here and how can I help you?

Big Red: Doc, I just feel like I don’t know who I am. One week I feel like I can take on the world and accomplish anything. The next week I feel like I can’t even get out of my own way. It’s completely frustrating and it’s causing those closest to me to be confused and upset.

Doctor: Well, is there any reason why you’d feel this way?

Big Red: None that I can think of. I guess some of it is that for years no one around me expected anything from me. They thought I was a loser and not capable of much. They always just expected me to be a giant screwup. Two years ago I got a new life coach and things started turning around. Last year, for the first time in my life, I had success and those around me now have expectations.

Doctor: Hmm…It sounds like you may have an issue with focus and confidence in yourself.

Big Red: Well, I didn’t exactly have the best role models before my new life coach. I spent a few years with this guy named Denny who seemed more concerned with his personal accomplishments than my well being. Things got so bad I drove him to a public breakdown. Before him there were a few unassuming people that didn’t have a lot of impact and one guy named Buddy who only stuck around in my life for two years. He tried to pump me up even telling everyone I knew that I was a winner but when things got a little tough he was gone faster than the credibility of ESPN’s sexual harassment training. Things have been better since I moved from my old neighborhood in Tempe, where I met most of those guys, to Glendale, but I still struggle.

Doctor: Here’s what I want you to do. Try to string two or three positive weeks together. Work hard, focus and do your best not to dwell on the past. If you can do that I think the feelings of those around you will dramatically change. It takes time to build up the confidence of those around you. It’s about consistency. Take the next two weeks and come see me after that.

(Big Red Exits)

(Enter the doctor’s next patient, a dark, hairy, stout figure wearing a Phoenix Suns jacket)

Doctor: Good to see you again GO. How are you? It’s been about six months since your last visit. Did you finally get rid of the “big problem” that plagued you last year?

GO: I am doing pretty well. I took a trip to Cleveland this summer and by the time I got back it was like a giant weight was lifted. The biggest issue I’ve faced is that people just don’t seem to have faith in me. Some say I’m too old, some say I’m not skilled enough and still others seem to think I’m just too small to do much of anything anymore.

Doctor: I’m glad to hear your energy level is back. How does the lack of respect others are showing make you feel?

GO: It’s frustrating. I’ve been reliable to everyone over the years. I’m someone you can pencil in to be there when you need me. For years my friends thought I was one of the most entertaining people they’d met. Now they don’t have much faith.

Doctor: Do you still have faith in yourself?

GO: Of course. I’m as entertaining as I’ve ever been and I’m having one of the most successful runs ever. I’ve pretty much figured out that I just need to keep working hard and eventually they’ll come around. That or I’ll be like an Aaron Sorkin show, solid, entertaining and well put together, but unnoticed and under-appreciated.

Doctor: Seems like a pretty good attitude. Keep working hard and they’ll come around.

(GO exits and the Doctors next patient, a man with a goatee and carrying a pitchfork enters the room)

Doctor: I see in your file that your friends call you Sparky, may I call you Sparky?

Sparky: Sure Doc, whatever you want man.

Doctor: OK. So tell me what is troubling you.

Sparky: Well, you see, I’m in what some might call a bad relationship. I’m seeing this person and even though it’s not best for me I can’t leave.

Doctor: Why can’t you leave?

Sparky: Well, Danny’s young and has stuck around through the good and the bad. It doesn’t matter what anyone says he’s loyal. No matter how much he hurts me I can’t say goodbye.

Doctor: Are you afraid of being alone?

Sparky: Alone? I have two younger ones lined up and wanting a chance to be with me. As a matter of fact, those around me like my “backup” options more than Danny.

Doctor: So why not get out of the bad situation?

Sparky: What can I say Doc, I’m loyal. Danny’s moving away in December anyway, so it’s not a long term thing. I’ll be with one of the others come spring but I just don’t feel like I can break Danny’s heart right now.

Doctor: I respect your loyalty but I’m not sure, from a psychological standpoint, that it makes a lot of sense. Wouldn’t you want what’s best for you?

Sparky: I do, but I’m just not ready to move on.

Doctor: Well I hope things get better for you come spring, and I hope Danny treats you well until December. Come back then and we can talk more.

And Now Time For Something Completely Different

An Update On Fridays Post

On Friday I used this space to tell you about how the Cardinals-Bears game was “personal” for me. As you all know the Cardinals won and I’m proud to announce I throughly taunted my wife and her family. It may not have made up for 1993 but it’s a start.

In the category of things I’m slightly less proud to announce, I’ve been informed that not only did my piece not win any brownie points but I’m so far down on the totem pole that it’s not clear whether I’m even good enough to be brownie batter right now (got to love cooking humor from the mother-in-law).

Hope you got a chuckle out of the piece because it may mean some time spent on the couch and a rough Thanksgiving weekend. Anything for my faithful readers (which were cut in half now that my wife and her parents will no longer read anything from The Sports Retorter).

Ken Whisenhunt Earned Major Points In My Book

Yes, Ken Whisenhunt led his team to a big victory on the road Sunday and has them leading the NFC West by two games but that’s not why he moved up in my book this weekend.

Whisenhunt proved he has faith in his team, himself and his sense of humor after the game channeling his inner Denny Green. Anyone willing to make light of his team’s past is worthy of praise. Especially when that past is as dismal as the Cardinals.

These aren’t your, your Dad’s or Denny Green’s Cardinals anymore.