The Sports Retorter: Cardinals versus Bears is personal in my house, just don’t tell my wife

To many, the Cardinals-Bears game this weekend is like any other game: a matchup between two teams in search of their identity and a spot in the playoffs.

To me it’s personal.

It’s not because the Cardinals return “home” to take on their former crosstown rivals. Although, I’ve actually heard people talk about that as storyline (the only person who remembers the Cardinals in Chicago or looks at it as a homecoming is Bill Bidwill).

No, it’s personal to me because I married a Chicago native. That’s right, me a life long Phoenix fan, married a Bulls-loving, Bears-cheering, Cub-caring woman who spent her formative years in what she views as “sweet home Chicago”. If that isn’t bad enough, Michael Jordan is her favorite athlete and 1993 her favorite Bulls title. She still wears a shirt commemorating the original three-peat (does Pat Riley get to charge me for that?) and the defeat of my beloved Suns.

The home office we share is an odd ode to my life as a Phoenix sports fan and her childhood cheering for Windy City teams. Needless to say, it’s tough to get any work done when you have a giant poster of Michael Jordan, twice the size of the Charles Barkley and Steve Nash posters in the room, staring at you.

Let me say this before I go any further, there are four things from Chicago that I like, Bill Swerski’s Superfans (which really was a creation of New York-based Saturday Night Live), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Jerry Colangelo (who should officially be Phoenix’s by now) and my wife.

The summer of 1993, and the subsequent Bulls titles that followed, cemented my distaste for all things Chi-town. Add in the Bears’ 2006 Monday Night Football comeback against the Cardinals, and you could say I have a full-blown complex (Denny Green’s post game tirade still haunts my dreams).

Deep dish pizza? No thanks (a difficult thing for a fat guy like myself to turn down). The Sears Tower? Not as impressive as the Empire State Building or …. well Phoenix will eventually build a skyscraper. Da Bulls, Da Bears, Da Cubs? Da-spicable. I’m so adamant about my disdain that I won’t even let “You’re The Inspiration” or “Saturday in the Park” stay on my radio for more than three notes.

I entered into our marriage full well knowing that my new bride, and by extension my new family, were afflicted with a love for Chicago. Usually I can suppress my personal feelings and even enjoy a week’s vacation in the Windy City or watching a Bears game with my in-laws (unless the Cardinals are playing).

My wife has even adopted Phoenix teams for the most part, cheering on the Suns, Cardinals and Diamondbacks to make me happy.

Sunday is different. At 11 A.M. I officially live in a house divided.

Where red and white reigns supreme and blue and orange are unwelcome to the point where the blueberries and the oranges in the fruit compartment of the refrigerator are on high alert.

Consider this my “Dear John” letter for four hours on Sunday. Just don’t tell my wife or her family because if they find out my secret, I’ll be left with nothing (OK, I won’t be left with nothing, but I won’t win any brownie points–that’s for sure).

Like is said in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “Between grief and nothing… I’ll take grief”. And if the Cardinals lose on Sunday I’ll be sure to take plenty of it.

And Now Time For Something Completely Different

Picking What Won’t Happen This Weekend

A few weekends ago I started my obligatory weekend picks. Instead of picking games and trying to prognosticate who will win, I went down a path less traveled. I decided to tell my readers what wouldn’t happen. After a successful 3-for-3 first try, I’m back for round two.

• ASU won’t beat USC

  It’s not like I’m going out on a limb for this one, ASU is the only Pac-10 team not to beat USC this decade and USC hasn’t lost back to back games since 2001. With the Sun Devils season seeming more schizo phrenic than a Stephan Marbury Ustream Video, it’s almost a lock that they won’t be able to beat USC. Unless Dennis Erickson can “quit” Danny Sullivan, which seems highly unlikely.

• Sunday’s Suns Game Won’t Set Any Viewing or Defensive Records

  The Suns take on the Wizards Sunday at 11 AM Phoenix time. Which, coincidentally, happens to be the same time the Cardinals take on the Bears. I love the Suns and so does most of Phoenix but the NFL is king. No matter how disappointing the Cards played last week fans will flock to watch them and not the Suns.

  Luckily, that means most of Phoenicians won’t have to watch as the Suns defense can’t stop Washington’s Gilbert Arenas (and who says I can’t be positive about things).

• Anquan Boldin Won’t Have More Than 30 Yards Receiving

  Once again, not a major stretch. It looks like he’ll play on Sunday seeing as he practiced on Friday but if the last few games have been any indication, he won’t have any impact. Boldin will look like Oliver Miller running the 40-yard dash against the Bears and he’ll prove to be more of a hinderance than a help.

Tweet of the Day

Impressive. Pulled over by two cops and had the time to send a tweet. That’s dedication to the fans.

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Tags: 1993 NBA Finals, Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, ASU Football, Charles Barkley, Chicago Bears, Chicago Cubs, Darnell Dockett, Michael Jordan, Phoenix Suns, USC Football, Videos, Washington Wizards