2Jul/091:18 AM

Phoenix’s Inferno: The nine rings of Phoenix sports hell

By Greg Esposito

9ringsofhell

It’s not a far stretch to compare the city of Phoenix to hell with temperatures that top 110 degrees in the month of July. While the temperatures soar, Phoenix sports plunges into the depths. Possible franchise relocation, teams’ rosters in turmoil, injuries, fan indifference and general incompetence have all made the fall from grace a little quicker. The true hell in Phoenix right now isn’t the high temperatures that cause the blood in residents’ veins to heat up– it’s the sports scene that causes it to boil.

Let’s take a journey together and see exactly what it is like to be a fan in of sports in Phoenix, Arizona.
As you enter the city limits, fans see a sign that reads, “Welcome to Phoenix. Abandon all hope, ye sports fan who enter here.” The ominous message deters some from even bothering to follow the sports teams in the Valley of the scorchingly hot sun. Others however, keep hope that regardless of what some may say, or what signs may ward them of, Phoenix and the teams that call the city home can overcome the grasp of of evil. These die-hard fans have been subjected to some unspeakable things as they’ve wandered through the nine circles of Phoenix Sports Hell.

First Circle, Limbo:

As you enter the first circle of Phoenix Sports Hell (PSH) you encounter many things. You see lawyers fighting for control of the soul of the Phoenix Coyotes. You run into Robert Sarver, Steve Kerr and David Griffin trying to make sense of the mess that is the Suns’ rebuilding. There is Brandon Webb surrounded by a team of doctors examining his shoulder and a spot once perpetually occupied by Cardinals’ owners Bill and Michael Bidwill has a sign that reads “reserved for October”. It’s a depressing place where things aren’t quite bad, but certainly aren’t good right now.

It’s a place of complete uncertainty that leaves all those who visit it uneasy about what is to come next. As you leave the first circle, you wonder how things will turn out, but you still have hope that this is just a little bump in the road.

Second Circle, Lust:

The second circle of PSH is full of people consumed by lust. No, it isn’t athletes wanting women, it is filled with athletes in love with themselves- so much so that they are blinded by it.. These narcissistic types value their own skills more than most human beings value anyone.

Here you can see Anquan Boldin, Darnell Dockett and their agents terrorizing the Cardinals front office with outlandish contract and trade demands. In the distance, you see Amare Stoudemire sitting in front of a computer tweeting about God knows what. (In hell, would it be Satan knows what?) There is the ghost of Shawn Marion’s contracts past laughing in the corner while holding up a Miami Heat jersey and mumbling something about Shaq, no rings and cap space. On your way out of the second circle you notice a disheveled character talking to a video camera in the corner. He looks vaguely familiar, like someone who once did something in Phoenix sports. At the last second, you realize it’s former Arizona Diamondback Eric Byrnes, and he is filming an episode of the “Eric Byrnes Show..” (Oh wait, isn’t he still on the team?) You slowly begin to realize that this truly is hell and you just pray that circle three isn’t a constant loop of his show.

Third Circle, Greed:

You dodged a bullet, no loop of the “Eric Byrnes Show”, but this still looks dismal. The third circle seems oddly green and extravagant compared to where you came from. That’s because it’s filled with money and the owners who love to collect it. Robert Sarver is surrounded by the piles of money he’s collected from sold draft picks and the selling of the Suns’ soul. Jerry Moyes can be seen shuffling through thousands of couch cushions hoping to find the hundreds of millions he lost through bad business decisions.You hurry through this circle because it, more than any circle thus far, hurts your sensibility.

Fourth Circle, Indifferent Fans:

After leaving the third circle of PSH, you are livid. You’ve just had to witness the annoying reality of sports: teams are at the whim of those who own them. You look for someone to commiserate with. You search high and low for someone, but you quickly realize that the fourth circle is filled with apathetic fans. Everywhere you turn, no one cares to talk about Sarver or Moyes because, simply put, those teams aren’t winning and don’t matter. It frustrates you even more, but the more frustrated and loud you get, the less people care. They tell you to sit down and not be so loud. You offer them free things, all the food they can eat and even entertainment. They just don’t care and tell you to come back when there is a possibility of a championship again. They are too busy trying to secure Cardinals tickets and find Larry Fitzgerald jerseys to even realize that you leave the fourth circle to continue your journey into the depths of Phoenix sports.

Fifth Circle, Sloth:

Things are looking more dismal than you would ever have imagined. You have just witnessed people who are so apathetic, that they’d turn their backs on their own mother if she went on a three-game losing streak. You think to yourself that nothing could be quite as bad as what you just experienced. The problem is, you’ve forgotten about the athletes of the Valley that have done less to live up to their expectations than the fans have. Once again, you see Eric Byrnes and his camera crew filming another segment of his show. This segment, like most on the show, doesn’t involve baseball at all. Instead, it features Byrnes swimming in a pool filled with $30 million and broken NL West and World Series dreams. There is Shaquille O’Neal in his Cavaliers number 33 jersey, wearing his four championship rings, pointing to the thumb where his fifth championship ring, won in Phoenix, was supposed to be. There’s Olli Jokinen in a Flames jersey, and off in the distance you can see what appears to be Marcus Banks. As you prepare to continue your journey, now more disheartened than ever, you see Edgerrin James and Terry Porter sitting on a huge pile of money holding a sign that reads “Looking for work, even though our old teams are still paying us”.

Sixth Circle, Heresy:

The journey is over halfway complete, but you are wondering how much more you can realistically take. Things are horrible and they don’t look to be getting any better. This sixth area seems to be a small gathering. This shouldn’t be so bad, you think to yourself. As you approach the few men in this circle you realize they are Josh Byrnes, Steve Kerr and Rod Graves. You reach Josh Byrnes first and he seems oddly pleasant, given the circumstances and setting. As he begins to talk, you quickly realize why. Byrnes is trying to sell you on the hiring of a 34-year old with no coaching experience as the manager of the Diamondbacks. He tells you even though it goes against the conventional wisdom of baseball that the deal will work out. As he talks, it becomes apparently clear, he is a heretic. You decide to move on to Steve Kerr, hoping he has something to say to make things better. Nope. It’s more of the same as he tries to sell you on the validity of both the trade to get Shaq and to get rid of him. The parade of public relations continues as Rod Graves tries to sell you on the notion that they didn’t promise Anquan Boldin a new deal, but that it’s a priority to get done. You run from this circle as you feel your sanity begin to slip.

Seventh Circle, Violence:

You’ve escaped the sixth circle with most of your mind in tact, but you’re not sure how much more you can take. You look around realize you are now surrounded by some of the most violent offenders in all of Phoenix sports. As you try to escape without being noticed, you see Robert Horry polishing his NBA championship rings with a towel in his hand ready to throw at anyone who dares to approach. You also notice his hip that looks ready to check you into the wall. There is Santonio Holmes standing on one foot, never putting the second one down for anything or anyone, while holding the Lombardi Trophy below his waist as to cover himself up. You reach the exit but it is blocked bythousands of people hundreds of people a website claiming to have 150,000 members and Jim Balsillie. You sneak by him, but as you do Balsillie yells that the city you live in is worthless and that Hamilton and his billions of dollars are superior to anything you can ever conceive.

Eighth Circle, Frauds and False Prophets:

Balsillie and his minions didn’t hurt you, but after their verbal assault, you are questioning a lot about yourself and your city. Are you worthy of having any teams at all? Will you ever see success again? Maybe someone here can help you find a promised land or at least an exit from this nightmare. You see Shaquille O’Neal, Amare Stoudemire, Buddy Ryan, Chris Young, Richard Dumas and Denny Green. They all approach you to tell you about how great they are and what they can do for Phoenix. You start to get excited and feel better about what Balsillie had said to you, but something doesn’t feel right. You are so desperate to feel better that you overlooked that fact that all of them have been or are false prophets. They promised a lot, but never delivered much. Crushed once again, you push forward, hoping that in the last circle you find something that either ends your misery or leads you back to a better time.

Ninth Circle, Traitors:

The final circle once again contains familiar faces. There is Joe Johnson in a Hawks’ jersey. The Diamondbacks management is counting pennies while letting players walk away. Robert Sarver is carrying his wallet. Jerry Moyes is waving a Canadian flag. Shaq is hugging Lebron James and rapping about the 2010 NBA Finals. Amare is once again sitting at a computer tweeting about the Lakers, talking to every radio station that will listen to him and working on yet another personal project. You realize that the worst of all the circles contains the traitors that have helped create the hell you now find yourself in, and there is no easy way to reverse the damage done. You resign yourself to the fact that this is Phoenix sports and try to find a morsel of faith buried amidst all the heartache. You try to remember that it is always the darkest before the dawn. You just hope the dark doesn’t last as long as it seems to. You just pray the dawn is around the corner for Phoenix sports. Heck, hell already froze over once in 2009. Maybe the Cardinals can do it again.