They came from the depths of space to ruin our baseball season
No lead is safe, no out is guaranteed, no heart is at ease when they take the mound
It’s Attack of the Killer Bullpen!
Starring . . .
Doug Slaten as the Resurrected One. This lefty specialist that can’t get out left handed hitters was once banished to the far reaches of Earth (AAA) but managed to find his way back and continue to terrorize the D-Backs in late game situations. Watch as another underwhelming left handed hitter smokes a double to the wall in the most crucial situation.
Leo Rosales as the Silent Assassin. So underwhelming is Rosales he will lull you into a false sense of security (much like he does with his career 4.06 ERA) but just when you start to sleep on him he rises up and clenches defeat from the jaws of victory.
Tom Gordon as the Man Time Forgot. So old, Gordon managed to pitch 1.2 innings in his return of injury before getting injured again. His ERA on the season is an abhorred 21.00.
Chad Qualls as the Spy. Specializing in infiltrating a subject and getting into their good graces, Qualls strings together long stretches of quality innings. You never know when he is going to go into another prolonged slump like he did in mid Summer of 2008 and you never feel truly safe with him closing out the game. We aren’t yet sure whose side he is on.
Tony Pena as the Man With a Conscience. There are forces of good are counteracting with the forces of bad in this man. The forces of good won out in 2007 and are winning out in 2009, but a return to 2008 is always possible.
Clay Zavada as The ‘Stache. We embrace the mustachioed one as the possible hero of this story. He is either our hero or he is really the evil and cunning villain. Only time and his mustache will tell.
Esmerling Vasquez as the Young One. Looking to establish a new breed of sub par relief pitching, Vasquez was called up from the minors and sports a 6.91 ERA. They are breeding.
Juan Gutierrez as the Complicated One. We should trust him given his numbers, but we don’t. He seems like a hero at first, but he is really one of them!
Bobby Korecky as Quick Death. This one strikes quickly and accurately. Six innings pitched on the year and nine earned runs. He has quickly help kill the D-Backs’ season.
Jon Rauch as the Giant Space Mutant. Ahhhhhhh! The leader, it’s the leader! All flee the leader of the Killer Bullpen! No one is safe, when you hear him coming run away! (or change the channel)
Does the Season stand a chance?
Attack of the Killer Bullpen
In Ballparks in Arizona, Summer 2009
