It took me a little longer than normal, but consider me officially pumped up for the 82nd Duel in the Desert, from Arizona Stadium in Tucson, the worst sports town in America.

The trash talk between ASU and their rivals to the south, U of A, never really stops, but this week it gets cranked up even more.

Earlier today, this post from a website in Tucson (I know- when did they get the internet?) put a smile on my face, and got my blood boiling. It also pointed me to this site, which really got me going. (Be careful pulling this up at work, Sun Devils, there’s some salty language on it. Oh, and for our Tucson friends, work is a place you go during the day, where they actually pay you for your contributions.)

I took it upon myself to represent Sun Devils everywhere by picking apart the anti-Sun Devil propaganda on this site. So here goes…

• Barry Bonds is pointed out as someone who ASU fans should be embarrassed of, and trust us, most of us are. Bonds is a cantankerous jerk who cheated the game. But the man still did hit 762 home runs, the most of all time, and nothing will change that. And he honed his craft while wearing maroon and gold, and nothing will change that either. In case you were wondering who the major leaguer from U of A (oxymoron) with the most career home runs is, it’s J.T. Snow, with a whopping 189. Bonds has more home runs than U of A’s top 4 big league sluggers combined, 762-514 for anybody keeping score.
• Former NFL Quarterback Jake Plummer has a picture featured on the site, and a reference made to his propensity for throwing interceptions. The funny thing is, Jake the Snake had as many career touchdown passes (161) as interceptions (161). If you want to make fun of a former U of A quarterback who has struggled in the NFL, you’re going to have to dig, and keep digging. Aw heck, I’ll do it for you–the last Mildcat quarterback to even throw a pass in the NFL was Bill Demory, in 1973. That’s right, 35 years without having even one man who attended a class at North Nogales Tech throw a pass in a professional game. Man, I thought Cal Ripken’s streak was impressive.
• The site makes fun of Courtney Simpson, a former ASU cheerleader turned porn star, who made news when she filmed an adult movie while wearing (or, I guess, partially wearing) her Sun Devil cheerleading outfit. Obviously, not one of the prouder moments in Sun Devil history. I’d post an embarrassing link to a U of A grad engaging in pornographic activity, but zoophilia creeps me out.
• There’s a clever trivia question on the site that asks “Name the only Pac-10 school that has never been to the Final Four?” Well we all know that answer is Arizona State. But then again, there’s the question “Name the only Pac-10 school that has never been to the Rose Bowl?” The answer is, of course, Arizona. But let’s examine these two feats as equal comparisons, shall we? To make it to the Rose Bowl, you have to be the better than 9 other teams. Every year, just by dumb luck, you’d have a 10% chance of making it. But still, in 31 years, U of A hasn’t made it. On the other hand, to make it to the Final Four in college hoops, you’d have to be better than 343 teams to get there. Nine is less than 343, Wildcat fans. Trust me, it is.
• I especially got a kick out of this Photoshopped nugget (below, right) that makes fun of a two-year old ASU marketing campaign. It’s ironic, since just last year, ASU was a Pac-10 co-champion with USC, and well, the only team that hasn’t won a conference champion is… you guessed it. Look in the mirror, Wildcats.
• ASU has had its share of miscreants and criminals. So has U of A. Who can forget Josh “No Means No” Lewis? Oh wait, he’s still on the team. And Terrell “I Swear I’m Fine” Reese? Yep, suspended, but still on the team. Jonathan Turner, Kyle Monson, Cole Graybill, Craig Sedoris, Tyler Lyon, Louis Holmes, Daniel Dillon, Jordan Hill, Hassan Adams, Paul Philipp, Yaniv Barnett, Biren Ealy, Mikal Smith, Leyland Gayles. All Wildcats arrested on a multitude of charges. Oh, and let’s not leave out Justin Lavasseur, who did a dead-on impression of Nate Newton, and was caught with 87 pounds of the devil’s lettuce in the trunk of his car. See, it happens in Tucson too.
There, now with that out of the way, let’s enjoy the game on Saturday. Go Devils!