I began writing a post about Boris Diaw and his mysterious ability to turn it on and off, with a primary focus on the switch being cemented in the off position this year. The title was “Strange Case of Boris and Doris.” For all you literature majors out there, you’ll recognize my clever nod to Stevenson’s “Strange Case of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.” Not all that funny, I know.

Unfortunately, writing about Boris Diaw’s performance the last few years is as much, if not more frustrating, than watching him play. Also, it turns out, I remember next to nothing about Stevenson’s book but the batshit craziness of Hyde and began to feel like a jackass using it as a recurring theme in something I’d be writing about.

Thankfully, while flipping channels and racking my brain for some kind of an idea, I found High Fidelity on one of the movie channels I pay too much for every month and eureka! An idea and cure for writer’s block!

Throughout the movie John Cusack is going over his top five ______. Music, girls, dream jobs, etc. Quick side note: I really hate Catherine Zeta Jones in this movie. She really nails her character and I’ll never like her in anything I see her in again. Same goes for Tea Leoni in Spanglish and the blond girl who shall not be named (that’s how much I despise her) in Rounders. Oh how I hate these women. Anyway, since I need a pick-me-up after attempting to write about the most frustrating basketball player I’ve ever seen, a fun top five is the ticket.

Top Five Suns Benchwarmers (1988-present):

5 – Horacio Llamas

Trust me, he belongs on this list. Llamas was the first Mexican-born player to appear in the NBA, paving the way for Eduardo Najera and countless other Mexican players like…ummmm…Daniel Santiago?

Also, he was tubby.

4 – Tim Kempton

Somehow, he parlayed 167 minutes played in just one year with the Suns into a broadcasting gig alongside the great Al McCoy. Mind. Blown.

3 – Ed Nealy

Not one, but TWO stints as a Suns benchwarmer, he absolutely belongs on this list. He’d be higher if it weren’t for his ownership of a Chicago Bulls championship ring.

I’m guessing he’d love to anchor Coach D’s bench. This guy was made for the DNP-CD.

2 – Paul Shirley

Arguably the most well-known benchwarmer of all time, his old blog and book give him automatic entry to the top five.

1 – Pat Burke

Pretty obvious choice for number one on this list. Exhibit A for the human victory cigar.

I was there when he hit three 3-pointers in the waning moments against the Kings and almost made Eric Musselman’s head explode. Good times indeed.

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Honorable mentions – Yuta Tabuse (see Llamas, Horacio,) Steve Kerr, Jerrod Mustaf (wait, he’s going straight to hell.)

Who’d I miss? Also, don’t the Suns deserve some kind of diversity award for employing the first Mexican, Japanese and Irish players in the NBA?